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on the brink of…

so, here i am, facing the beginning of depression. Existential problems this time. Inside myself there is a void, a deep black hole, empty. Rage burns through my veins, anger driving me onward, keeping me alive. It’s not a good feeling, i didn’t wish for this but the good part is, i feel alive, i feel something. I have no idea what path to take, no idea about how everything will go on…

I am a man who lost his passion, who lost his love for a way. I’m confused, i don’t know what set of values to follow, which ones are still my own and which are not? How do you get the spark of passion again? how do you make the flame burn up bright?

How can someone without passion teach others to be passionate? what is normal and what not? what is wrong and what is right? was is healthy and what is not? what is worth waking up for every morning? What is a friend these days? why is there always a what if? what is human? what is different from becoming a sheep? what makes humans so special? what is the best in humanity? what is trust? what or who is worth that trust? how does one redefine him/herself ? what is redemption? how does one achieve redemption? whys is there only dark fire coursing through ones veins? why is there no bright fire, burning with the light of the chosen path? where is the love, the passion, the certainty of tomorrow?

This is finally it, there is nothing but darkness…no place to run, no place to hide for darkness is all that surrounds me. I am not that type of a quitting person but i finally give up….there is no place for sunshine, there is no place for optimism nor for comfort or support of others…Darkness has defeated me for now, I lie broken on the ground, not willing to rise again.
I would rise to what end? to see people turning their backs on me, the very same people i stood up for and helped unconditioned every single fucking time when they needed help? NO, not anymore. I am disappointed at everyone, including me. Whenever I am broken, having a heavy heart or just feel like i can’t go on anymore, i find myself talking to walls…choosing to not talk about whats on my heart is not a solution, it makes me even more destructive and when i say destructive, i mean i want to burn down everything and everyone in my path of fury and self-destructive anger. Writing what i feel doesn’t help, nor does drawing, going out, taking a walk or anything else. Talking to someone is what i need, talking is my solution…being denied of that solution only makes things worse…I fight with myself and i loose, i start fighting all that’s around me, i step foot on a path of wreckage and i leave behind deep wounds…

I give up! I quit! I trust nobody, not even myself and it’s not a joke this time. There is nothing to put faith in, there is no solution…all there is, is darkness and shadow and they’ve got their grip tight on me. Hope and Salvation become words unknown to me, I forget what it means to hope, i forget what it feels like to be saved….
I feel numb, alone, hurt, frustrated, pissed off, angry and all other feelings associated with negativity. All that’s left for me to do is to shut down, to go into the cave and never to step out of it again. It’s a choice and it’s the only one I’ve got. I’m sick and tired of fighting and complaining. I’m tired of everything.
This is my last letter, i’m leaving an empty space behind me, you can either fill it or leave it empty as you see fit.

I’m off…

These are the Duranin…

The Battle Poem of the Duranin

When shadow comes to claim our souls,
Some must rise – the light of old.

Names in stone, spirits of legend.
Deeds unknown, yet never forgotten.

These are the Duranin!

Of honor within and of fear without.
Remember them, when in hope you doubt.

on my to-do list…

I plan to visit a few places, I haven’t been to in quite some time…
Booha Bar
Zorki
Zorki off the record
Janis
Janis stuff
Atelier
Le General
Shadow
Enigma
Cleo
Gazette
The lake next to Iulius Mall
and I’ll think up a few more places…

future quest…

I just read a very interesting article about personal development and a grand idea sprang to mind…

I can’t say that I preach to people and friends but most of whom I talk to about becoming a better person and personal development are very skeptical about what I tell them. I get comments like “yeaaaah…you really need a book to learn things?” or ” you have to read to learn”…

Books or articles are a source. A source of knowledge and since I don’t have time to figure all the answers out myself, books come in pretty handy. You might have heard the statement “Knowledge is power”. Yep, it’s as true as it gets for me. To have the power to analyse and properly solve inter-human issues is quite a useful skill. It helps avoiding problems, it helps solving them as well, it helps to become a better listener …a better person.

But enough said about that. I was just thinking to write a book based on personal experience to give those skeptics some insight to the usefulness of those skills learned from books and articles. It is like riding a bicycle …the more you read the more you keep in mind. And the more you keep in mind, the more you can apply in real life, in your personal cases.

Soooo…soon a book will be out, with my name on it ( I’m gonna be the author 😛 )

Hi,

I just sat at the table, waiting for lunch and then I thought… I have accomplished quite a few things this year :
At the beginning of the year I broke up with my girlfriend 1 day just to throw myself into the next relationship just the next day.
I can say, I hit the jackpot this time. My new girlfriend is really beautiful, loving, caring, compassionate, an artist, a photographer, a singer, a dancer, a kid at times, she really loves details and the small things worth enjoying in life. She also loves kids, which is good because I have the big picture in my mind and i can’t wait to start and apply the most vibrating colors to it and see it come true. Honestly, I can’t wait to be a dad and start living through the eyes of my children.

Since February the 8-th time seems to pass even faster, I can barely feel it linger for a moment. So next thing I know is me doing a volunteer thingy for the town hall by helping to organize the celebration of the Days of Cluj along with my girlfriend and two other colleagues from college. Next, the political faction who organized the event asks me again for my services, this time offering some money. So I found myself as a supervisor during the elections in June. After some ugly incidents I decided to resign from the cooperation with politics and returned to my other goals.

At college things worked out fine as well. I got my grades and compared to my ex, my present girlfriend made the studying period quite enjoyable and fun. I think that to be the reason for my astonishing high marks :P. Sadly, our little group has grown apart a little. Few friends of mine embarked on their own new paths and seeing them at school was quite a thing since it became a rarity. I hope that in time things will get better, either they come back either we find new people to hang out with.

Since July 16 I am officially an employee of SYKES company. This means I got my first job ( for a 20 year old guy aspiring to do great and wonderful things, it’s actually not a bad start). Today is August 16 which means I work for an entire month now and things work out quite well. The only drawback is that I’m left with only a few hours a day to spend as I please, but then again it helps not to feel solitude :).

I also did a few firsts this year. For Instance, my girlfriend and I went to the theater, then we went to the cinema and watched a couple of movies. We even had a picnic on the roof of the mall. I managed to show her my hometown which I’m really proud of because convincing her was a hard job. I also got to know her family and we went to her grandparents several times. I have to admit that those trips were an awesome escape from the big city. One morning I woke up because of my phone, my gf was on the other end, 2 minutes from my place. By the time she hang up I ran to the bathroom but could barely do anything cause the was already knocking on my door. I had to get dressed and washed up in less then a minute cause it was already late and then we went to a barbecue with her aunts and uncle. I could barely open my eyes when I met them.

During this summer I managed to meet up with a few friends I really hadn’t talked to in a long time, which again was a pleasant experience. And that’s it so far…my list of achievements this year. But I’m planning on making my list even bigger in the months ahead 😉

I woke up one morning and guess what, I found a note on my laptop’s desktop. I was surprised because I couldn’t remember when I left that note to my self but anyway, it was a pleasant surprise to find that this note talked to me, it said : Be awesome today! So i sat down and thought to myself yes, I should be awesome today. And the next thing that came to mind was why not be awesome everyday?

Although I wake up every morning at 7:45 to go to work, sometimes smiling the moment I set foot on the floor, other times still sleeping even after breakfast, even after spending 8 and a half hours at the office, take cover! Cause when i get home from work, I’m left with just a few hours, hours more precious (my precious! Gollum! Gollum! xD ) than gold, petrol, platinum or any other of those fancy things people sell for huge amounts of money. These are the hours of gold, in which I get to be awesome…

Now being awesome is something that every person has a different perception on, which is good.

I for one refer to being awesome as being great, being a better person, do 5% better everyday than the day before. Being awesome is the result of unlocking the unimaginable amount of positive energy, creativity, selflessness, kindness and all other common virtues of man.

Knowing that once i get out from work, it’s awesome time, keeps my battery’s charged, not even Duracell can compete with me in matters of pure energy 😀 Everyone has ultimate potential within…it’s just a matter of time until you find a way to unlock and channel your stream of ultimate power.

In my perception, I think that this is the ultimate goal in human existence, being able to be a better person, to do more every day than the day before, to become the supreme vessel of creation, by choosing and shaping your own path. 🙂

Titlul spune tot…apropo, seruuuus :D. High voltage queen – Ghinzu este piesa diminetii, intr-un fel imi face ziua :-?. My baby got a perfect ass (versurile melodiei) imi suna in fiecare compartiment al cutiei craniene si ma face sa pulsez cu energie pozitiva 😀

Asa ca de intai august, am hotarat, diseara se merge la film ca deh, ar fi pacat sa irosim un bilet + unul moca, MOCA! ca sa vezi cat noroc :> poate si ceva bun de haleala dupa, sau inainte? un crispy suna tentant siiii, ca sa sti si tu, acuma ma foarte prostesc pt ca mie imi place sa ma prostesc :>

Pana una alta, my baby got a perfect ass :> tananananannnanananaaa…

Coffee thoughts…

Buna dimineata,

Este ora 09:16 dimineata, o zi ploioasa de luni si ma aflu la birou, la servici. A fost noapte cam furtunoasa si somnul a venit destul de greu. Ma tot gandesc la solitudinea ce urmeaza sa se lase asupra mea incepand cu 12 septembrie :(. Dark days close in on the horizon…Not much going around lately, mai un film la cinema, mai un biliard in Infinity, mai un crispy la Kfc sau o dupa-miaza la un milkshake in Enigma, gaming ocazional si plimbari in centrul Clujului. Zilele trec pe nesimtite lasand in urma lor un oarecare care gol. Acest gol este senzatia ca a mai trecut o zi, zi care nu a avut destule ore. Sunt in a 3- a saptamana de cand lucrez, nici nu am simtit ca a trecut deja si luna lui iulie…imediat se gata si august…septembrie e ca si dusa si hopa…m-am trezit student de anul 3 la facultate…la cum trece timpul, azi-maine ma trezesc inconjurat de nevasta si copii (hopefully soon enough) desi, nu-mi fac probleme in privinta asta, doar ti-am spus ca timpul a devenit imperceptibil 🙂 imi vine in minte vorba aceea, o stiti? nu?…atunci nu te mai tin in suspans :P, vorba aia suna in felul urmator : “If you don’t aim high enough and they don’t laugh at your dreams, then your dreams are not worth accomplishing. ” O lectie interesanta de viata, ba chiar un guideline deoarece, that’s exactly the path i set foot upon :> Time to look towards a bright horizon and a promising future 😀

Sa aveti o zi frumoasa 😉

Eu vara nu dorm…

“Eu vara nu dorm, vara nu dorm, nu am somn…” pare a fi hit-ul verii. Nu ma pasionat niciodata genu asta de muzica, dar refrenul spune multe despre vara asta. In luniile ce urmeaza vor urma multe nopti albe care sa compenseze pentru toate zilele negre din ultimele saptamani. Deja o vad, cu ochii ei mari si albastrii-verzui, poarta o rochie bej si niste sandalute maro, parul de un luciu alb si-l poarta lung…nu, nu e tipa aia dupa care saliveaza toti :)), e marea. Este o veche prietena pe care o gasesti mereu in acelasi loc si care asteapta cu nerabdare sa ne vedem. Pot doar spera ca in curand, ma voi putea scalda in infinitatea ochilor tai 8->.

De altfel, in jungla urbana a Clujului temperaturile sunt aproape de nesuportat, chiar nu mai dureaza multa pana cand o sa fie de nesuportat :P. Rugam vanzatorii de electrocasnice sa ne faca o reducere grava la ventilatoare…